Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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