I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
