You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
