I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize