I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
