I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
