I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
