You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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