Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
