Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
