I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
