You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
