Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Your cock deserves a montage
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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