Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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