yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
