used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
