It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
