Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
So. Much. Porn.
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