i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
