oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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