They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
