Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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