Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I think my moral compass just broke
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
