She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm getting married
To pizza
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
