I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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