This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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