New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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