why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
