also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
