I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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