New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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