He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
