All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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