remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
