No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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