bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize