If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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