My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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