I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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