I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
