i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You ate ashes out of my bong
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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