it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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