do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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