my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
