i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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