i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
