just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
