I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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