Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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