I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
