so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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