I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize