i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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