I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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