I'm eating all of the evidence.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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