I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
