My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
