apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
